I can mindfully cook a divine meal with organic, nourishing ingredients, and sit and slowly eat it, savoring every bite. I can just as easily destroy a half jar of Nutella without knowing what hit me.

I can sip one glass of perfectly paired organic Chardonnay with dinner and end it there. I can just as easily down a bottle and a half in one evening.

I can self care the crap out of a day off work with meditation, reading, exercise, and salt baths. I can just as easily start the day with spiked coffee, finish it with Cabernet, and fill the space between with Prosecco cocktails.

When I’m out of balance, I am virtually powerless over food and alcohol. 

When I’m out of balance, I’m likely to justify having red wine and dark chocolate for their antioxidant properties.

When I’m out of balance, I tend to view eating and drinking from an “I deserve it” mentality. 

“It’s been a long day, I deserve it.”

“I’m on vacation, I deserve it.”

“I work hard, I deserve it.”

“I worked out, I deserve it.”

“It’s the weekend, I deserve it.”

“It’s Monday, I deserve it.”

When I’m out of balance, I use food and alcohol as coping mechanisms. I use them to switch my brain off, as permission to quit working for the day, permission to check out.

When I’m out of balance, food and alcohol are my go-to distractions.

This behavior is messed up, and embarrassing. However, it’s fairly benign compared to what I’m about to admit.

When I’m out of balance, I use alcohol to cope with being uncomfortable. And I’ve been uncomfortable for most of my life. 

I didn’t know, consciously, I was uncomfortable. But looking back on it, from an awakened perspective, it has become clear that I wasn’t OK with ME. In fact, I didn’t really even know myself; I was too busy trying to conform to other people’s standards, and live my life based on approval from others.

Being a people pleaser is such a small way to live. But, with intense work, and God’s grace, I am becoming free from this type of existence and stepping into my true self. It’s like I’m waking up; it’s like I’m meeting myself for the first time.

So it’s no wonder drinking has been my security, my comfort, and my escape. I was attracting toxic people into my life. I was doing business with them. I was entering into long-term relationships with them. And I even married one of them. 

My relationships mirrored my relationship with myself, so since my self respect was in the toilet, so were my relationships. I put up with abuse because I thought so poorly of myself. I tolerated crap because I didn’t want to make waves. I stayed quiet because I didn’t know myself well enough to speak up. I was WAY out of balance.

Drinking made me feel better. So that’s what I did. 

Alcohol has been a significant part of every romantic relationship I’ve ever had. 

Until now.

I am SO over living that way! 

At our session yesterday, my life coach Michelle, told me this:

“Becca, if you decide that something isn’t right for you, you need to trust that. If you’re uncomfortable with something, you trust that as well. You don’t need anyone’s permission, and you don’t need to worry about what other people will think. If you are in your wedding dress, about to walk down the aisle, and you realize it’s not right, if you decide it’s not happening, you call me and I will come pick you up. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

Conforming is so engrained in me that even now, with vastly more awareness, I still fall into old patterns. But Michelle brings it to my attention and then we deal with it, situation by situation, issue by issue, trigger by trigger, week by week, and month by month. 

Food and wine are losing power as I step into this great big life of mine.